We all want to tell the children in our care that they are brilliant, and it comes from a place of love, since we see their potential and want them to see it too. However, psychology suggests that telling a child they are “gifted” or “clever” might actually make them less likely to succeed in the long run. By switching our focus from what they are to what they do, we can help them build the mental toughness needed for life’s inevitable bumps.
The Trap of Being ‘Smart’
When a child hears they are a “natural,” they start to believe success is a fixed trait, something they either have or they don’t. It sounds positive, but it carries a hidden weight. If they ace a test because they are smart, what does it mean when they fail? Suddenly, the logic dictates they aren’t smart anymore.
This fear can make bright children shy away from challenges. They would rather stick to what they know they can do perfectly than risk looking foolish. They become fragile, viewing every mistake as a judgment on their character rather than a normal part of learning.
Praising the Process
The alternative is ‘process praise’. This means noticing the graft rather than just the grade. Instead of saying, “You’re a maths whizz,” you might say, “I noticed you kept trying different ways to solve that equation until it worked.”
This subtle shift changes everything. It teaches them that results come from actions. If they don’t get it right today, they just need to try a different approach tomorrow. It decouples their self-worth from immediate perfection and attaches it to their work ethic.
Sensitivity for Foster Children
For anyone who is short term fostering a child, this approach holds even more weight. Young people who have faced significant disruption often feel they have no control over their circumstances. Being told they are “good” or “talented” can sometimes feel confusing or insincere if their internal world feels chaotic.
Praising effort hands the power back to them. It shows them that their choices matter. When you highlight that they managed to stay calm during a stressful moment, or that they gave a new activity a go despite being nervous, you are validating their personal agency. It reinforces that they can affect their own lives through small, manageable steps.
Redefining Failure
We need to change how our homes view mistakes. In a house where effort is king, a wrong answer isn’t a character flaw. It is just data. It tells us that we haven’t mastered that specific skill yet. This perspective takes the sting out of getting things wrong. It encourages children to put their hand up in class even if they aren’t 100% sure, because they know the learning happens in the attempt, not just the solution.
Building for the Long Term
Making this switch isn’t easy. We are often programmed to say “Good boy” or “Clever girl” on autopilot. It takes a bit of practice to stop and find the specific thing they did to earn the praise. But the result is worth the mental gymnastics. Whether you are raising your own children or providing a safe haven for others, the aim is to rear adults who don’t crumble when things get hard, but who roll up their sleeves and try again.
